CRAIG PRODUCTIONS LLC

Yesterday afternoon I had just walked in the door with my chaotic crew at my heels when my cell phone started beeping at me. It happened to be a text from my good friend, Butch…”there’s a great show on channel 661.” I roll my eyes, thinking, “Great, there’s some show about teenagers gone wrong due to bad mothering.” (we’d been joking about this the night before) I can totally see him sitting with his buddies at the fire station, stumbled on this humorous reality show and he thinks it would be funny to get me to turn it on. And since usually when he makes fun of me it is funny and gets me laughing, so I turn on the tv. I was shocked to find that the show was a documentary about Female Bodybuilding and its psychological effects.

The documentary was, in my opinion, right on target. Over the last couple of months I’ve spoken to numerous female competitors who, like me, struggle to find a balance between “contest prep” and “off season.” For me, it is extremely difficult to go from the rigorous training and cardio and the weighing and measuring of everything I put into my mouth, to a more relaxed approach to training and nutrition. It becomes an obsession that is hard to let go of.

I think as females we all struggle in some way or another for control in our lives. For me, my life and my schedule is primarily dominated by my children. I am terrible at making time for myself aside from my time in the gym. I went from having a career that I loved to suddenly becoming a stay at home mom of 4 children (having the twins made it more practical for me to stay at home). I always felt I was a better mother as a working mother – I could control my income, I could control my clients (to a degree) and I liked the end result that I also could control: money. I’ve always been somewhat (“somewhat” being a huge understatement) OCD about my fitness…there is no limit to how much cardio this body can do! Naturally, when I decided to compete in 2008 it stoked my OCD fire into a pretty big flame. The recipe for controlling my physique.

Recently, I’ve found myself trapped by my obsessive nature, especially in regards to my training. I walked into the gym on Friday morning at 3:20am, looked around at the other 3 people in the gym and thought to myself…”What the hell am I doing here? I don’t have a competition and I would much rather be in bed!! Why am I here?” Well, I was there, so I figured I might as well do some cardio and it was a very eye-opening cardio session!! I have been beating myself up with cardio and intense weight training. I did not take a break after the Emerald Cup, I just got right back into competition training…but…I don’t have a competition coming up.

So why am I doing this? I’m sore. I’m tired. I’m not motivated to train. I’m eating like I’m gearing up for a contest and I’m not. My body is retaining water like crazy. I’m not sleeping well. I guess it’s time to listen to my body. On Friday, I decided to start small…back off for the weekend. Notice I didn’t say “take the weekend off?” I knew that was going too far! I would workout only to the extent that I felt like. Friday afternoon I went in for a second round of cardio…stopped after 18 minutes and went and slept in the sauna for a half hour. After that I ate pizza with my kids and made chocolate chip cookies with my twins. I went to the gym once each day on Saturday and Sunday and kept my time to ONE hour…BIG step!! And I slept, a lot. Although Sunday morning at 6am I rolled over to find my 6-year-old son in my face telling me he wanted to go help with the neighbor’s garage sale. And he came back every 15 minutes thereafter. He’s lucky to be alive today.

This morning was the first morning in 7 weeks that I did NOT get up to do early morning cardio. I told my girlfriend earlier this morning that my body feels great but my head is trippin’! This is my addiction: overtraining with cardio. I can get a little crazy with the food, but I try to keep that one under control as I do have 4 children in my presence and want them to develop healthy and normal eating habits.

For me, it’s cardio…lots of it and very intense. Cardio is therapeutic for me. When I’m upset about something, I like to do really intense cardio, sweat and cry. I like cardio when I’m really happy too...I can go forever! I’ve talked to other girls who say their thing is binging. They have a cheat meal and can’t stop. A lot of girls I talked to are obsessive with weighing and measuring food as I have been known to be (okay, I’m not going to even try to lie…I am counting, weighing and logging these days…trying to let go of it).

I believe you must possess a certain degree of OCD to be a physique competitor or an athlete of any sport, really. It’s what drives us, what gives us the ability to do things to our bodies and with our bodies that most people don’t and won’t do. I also have to believe that there IS a way to find balance between normal, healthy living and the contest lifestyle…there has GOT to be! I think there have been times that I’ve found that balance and there have been people who have entered my life that have helped me find it. On the flip side, there are other people who have entered my life that have fueled the addiction and compulsion. But truly, it is within me, in my mind, to find the balance…regardless of who happens to be influencing my life at the time.

I haven’t blogged in a few weeks and not because I don’t have anything to say – that’s pretty rare – but because I haven’t felt like I’ve had anything inspiring or uplifting to write about. I feel like unless I can write about how well I’m handling all the challenges of my life and just flowing along with ease and grace, I shouldn’t write. But my life isn’t like that. My life is far from perfect, but it’s my journey and I love it. Some days are really, really hard and other days I feel really strong and powerful. I think probably everybody has those ups and downs.

This is real. This is where I’m at right now. It’s a struggle to find balance, but I am determined to do so. I’ve considered competing in the Ironman in the fall, but I haven’t yet decided if I will or not. I will only do it if I truly want to and right now I don’t know if I do or not. There is a part of me that would really like to just enjoy the summer – yes, have drinks and yummy food and not worry about it. Last summer was the summer of hell and it would be really cool to just have fun…well, if summer ever comes…

Sorry, I know this got really long…huge brain dump! But I gotta say, getting it out today has been very therapeutic for me and I feel a LOT better. If you made it this far, thanks! And if you’re reading and can totally relate, know that you are not alone, there are so many just like you.

“Be kind – for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” –Plato

~Julie~

Fearless, with cape in hand

Tags: