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16 weeks out from the 2010 Washington Ironman…it was 2 years ago at this time that I was “toying” with the idea of competing in my first figure competition, which would be the 2008 Washington Ironman. For me, it was one of those “bucket list” items that I knew at some point or another I would need to cross off the list. I had gotten the “bug” to compete back in the late 90’s and despite all the life changes that came along, marriage, 3 more children, career changes, etc, I never really shook that “bug”.

My ex-husband and I (who were married at the time) decided that on our trip to Jamaica (which, sadly, was nearly 2 years ago) we would think about and discuss the competition and come to a decision as to whether or not I should do the competition. I had a meeting with a lawyer as soon as we got back home, so I knew that divorce was inevitable and I thought that this could be my one and only chance to cross this item off my “bucket list.” After all, a single mother of 4 children hardly has the financial resources, the time or the energy to do what it takes to compete. Or so I thought…

I found that while I was in “contest prep” mode, my marriage wasn’t really all that bad. I was very focused on eating and training and sleeping and of course, caring for the children. It left no room in my schedule to think about my husband or the sad shape our relationship was in. Once the contest was over reality set in and I would get depressed realizing that my focus on the contest was merely a distraction and that yes, things were as bad as they had been before.

Becoming a single mom is scary. Becoming a single mom with 4 children is terrifying. The thought of it was more than I could handle, so what better to do than train for another competition and distract myself and then I could stay married, comfortable in my suburban housewife life. I remember so vividly the day that I was confronted by my friend who told me…”You can’t compete. You have to get out. You have to do it now.” Living in my fantasy land of competition was much easier than taking the rough road ahead that I knew I inevitably would have to take.

When I initiated the divorce process just a year ago, I decided it would be good to set my sights on the 2009 Ironman. I was an emotional basketcase and dealing with a major life change that was stressful on every level – training for the Ironman would be a wonderful distraction. Problem was, I couldn’t keep weight on and not only that, but I really needed to give my time to other things: like getting a job, finding childcare for my children, dealing with legal matters, just to name a few. My friend and former training partner, Jon, said to me one day in the gym last summer…”There will always be another competition.” I put him in my head with this advice quite often…it doesn’t always get through to me, but it makes me think, at least.

I did bag the Ironman last year, but I did hit the Northwest Championships 5 weeks later. I was glad I did. I felt it was my best stage appearance yet, although I did not place as well as I would have liked, I was very pleased with how I looked. It also got me in shape for a photo shoot that spurned my Bodybuilding.com transformation article, which led to an article with muscleandstrength.com. The training paid off for more than just contest purposes.

I knew, after that show, that I wanted to spend the winter putting on size and competing again in Vancouver and Emerald Cup in the spring. I was working insanely early hours, I was getting sick frequently and I wasn’t giving my kids the time and attention they needed and deserved. But, I did it anyway…because that’s what I do…I compete.

As I give myself the gift of time in deciding if I want to compete this fall or not, I have done a lot of reflecting on the last two years since I began competing. What was only supposed to be a “one time deal”, turned into 2 years of contest prep. And I’ve realized that I use competing as a distraction from the things in life that I fear, mostly…failure. If I’m competing then I can’t be failing at something else or if I do, it’s because I was busy competing, which seems to be a legit excuse.

It’s “in” me, this whole competing thing. Sure, there’s definitely a part of it that plays to my obsessive nature, but there’s also a part that makes me really happy. I enjoy a day of perfect nutrition. I enjoy a workout that leaves me feeling so taxed I know I have nothing left to give. I love doing HIIT on the step mill with sweat dripping off my face. I love Sundays when I spend hours cutting veggies and grilling chicken, fish and…Mmmmmm steak!

I couldn’t abandon my new lifestyle no matter how hard I tried. It’s just the way I am now. The question is not if I will compete again, it’s when. I still don’t have an answer and I’m not in any rush to make a decision. I saw Jon in the gym this morning and we talked about it and again he said…”There will always be another competition.”

~Julie~

Fearless, with cape in hand

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