|
 Dr Buff
|
| Woe is me... |
| 07.16.2010 06:48:06 | |
|
America, I’ve hit a new low! But before I get into that, let me say to the young weedhoppahs out there – Enjoy your youth! Train hard. Train heavy. Train fast. Train with a ferocity that defies human logic and understanding. Do high reps, low reps, intermediate reps. Do drop sets, strip sets, and descending sets. Do straight sets, compound sets, supersets, and multiple sets. Do slo-mo, quick tempo, and rest-pause training. Do it all, young ones. Train 5-6-7 days a week, twice a day if you feel the need. Train as if your life depended upon it, even though it doesn’t. Train like it’s your last workout even though it won’t be. Why do I say all of this? Because one day it will all be over. One day your warm-up weight will become your max weight. You’ll spend 40 minutes of your 50 minute workout loosening up the joints and warming up the muscles for that one all-out 25% of what you used to do set! And you’ll be ecstatic when you get it! Time catches up with us all eventually, America. And it caught up to me this past week.
The Dr. hurts. He can no longer operate! Plain and simple. I’m tired of playing the bravado game, pretending that life is hunky-dorey, a piece-o-cake, and full of sugar and spice and everything nice. This body is broke down, tore up from the floor up, and about to cave in! It’s a train wreck that’s already happened but hasn’t yet fallen off the tracks to the chasm below. I’m barely holding together. I give thanks to my Chiropractor, Dr. Jeff Kahrs, for that. Jeff, an ex-training partner (and hopefully current one if I can ever get my butt in gear and complete the shower for him to use after the workout so he can go back to work in a pre-funk smell…) has put Humpty-Dumpty back together again so many times I feel like Frankenstein. He doesn’t really fix me as I’m beyond fixing, but he keeps me from regressing faster than I normally would. My neck goes out more often than Tommy Chong gets high. My hips and back hurt worse than Lindsey Lohan looks with her new ‘enhanced’ lips. Sleeping is like being the new guy in prison going to bed and your cell door is wide open – it ain’t gonna happen! Hey Doc, I haven’t slept literally in two nights because of this blown neck, so The Dr. will be lookin’ for a lil’ hands-on tomorrow…as we say back in the ‘hood…”Cmon main…hook a brotha up!”
I pulled out all the stops this past week, America. I had a level of conditioning I wanted to attain. I knew what I needed to do, and doggone it, I was gonna do it! My sis, who lives with me, watched me get out of the chair last night. She just shook her head, it was so comical. Both hands on the armrests, a couple of rocks back and forth, and then push off to the bent-over, hands-on-knees position which is held for several seconds as I catch my balance and wait for the body to say, “Ohhh, you wanna stand up? Ok…” She watched as I walked my hands up my massive Twiggy legs (hey…to Twiggy my legs ARE massive…) to my now-famous “Gorrilla-with-a-stick-stuck-up-his-butt-stance.” I move from the Homo-Sapien to the Homo-Erectus position. Elaine asks, “You alright, Daveed?” I robotically turn to her (that’s the only way I turn now…) and respond with a silly grin on my face, “I’m good.” She shakes her head and walks upstairs. She’s learned better than to ask dumb questions, like “Why don’t you stop this insane madness called bodybuilding?”, or “Maybe you should go see a doctor…” Like the guy in prison who dropped the bar of soap in the shower and wants to pick it up…again…it ain’t gonna happen!
We had a fashion show at our church a few weeks ago. One of the outfits the Dr. modeled was an Adidas Sweatsuit with an UnderArmour sleeveless tight-fitting spandex type material underneath. You KNOW the Adidas top came off once I hit the runway, America. I’m not braggin’ but I didn’t look too bad for an ole man. Best-built physique of the show, I humbly say to you. Took out all the young’uns. Prior to the start of the show, one of the young studs ambles up…
“I bet I could out-bench you…”
“You probably could!”
“How much do you bench?”
“Not as much as I used to.”
“How big are your arms?”
“Bigger than yours.”
“I still think I could get you…” he snorts, nostrils flaring, mane waving, Banta Rooster feathers changing color in the breeze.”
“Dude, add y’daddy and I’d still kick your butt. My toes have done more than you can dream. Get outta here talkin’ trash.” I turn and walk away. Good thing there wasn’t a gym there (yet) America, or my response likely would have been, “…Probably could…” as I hobble off. What happened to ‘much respect’ in the world, America? Young’uns…I tell ya. Was I ever like that???
I poke fun because I don’t take myself serious anymore. The glory days, if any, are long gone. Regardless of skill level, athletic ability, or genetic potential, age becomes the great equalizer for us all, given enough time. Jeff is the same age as me, but he’s still the Brahma Bull in the gym because of great genetics and chiropractic care. ~chuckle~…give it another 20-25 years or so…we’ll be racing down the retirement home hallway in our motorized wheelchairs. I can see it now…two geezers talkin’ trash to each other as they change our diapers…
“I always have been able to and I’ll always be able to outlift you, Dave.”
“Dude, you can’t even put your teeth in, you’re so messed up! And who’s Dave?”
“At least I still got teeth, even if they ain’t real…”
I’m in the middle of the deep end of the pool with a 45-lb plate strapped around my waist treadin’ water. I’m sinking fast. Oh, I promise I’ll pull it together for Saturday and any other show I do. That’s what “over-medication” is all about. The thrill of entertainment is now greater than the thrill of victory. So for all you lil’ weedhoppahs out there prepping for this weekend, to paraphrase the old grizzled desk sergeant from the classic TV series, Hill Street Blues, “Let’s have fun out there!” See ya’ll in a couple…peace!
The Dr.
Personal Training Systems “There Are No Shortcuts!” www.personaltrainingsystems.net This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it Mobile: 253.576.4859
Don't give me excuses...give me results!
Tags:
|
